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Irrational Beliefs about Assertive Behavior

Listed below are several common irrational beliefs about being assertive and disputing statements for each:

1. If I am assertive myself, others will become angry at me.
   • Effects may be positive, neutral, or negative.  I have a legitimate right to be assertive.
   • You have a right to ask for what you want and need, just as the other person has a right to refuse.  The best way to get your needs met is to be direct about what they are.  Don’t expect people to read your mind.
2. If I assert myself and people do become angry with me, I will be devastated.  It will be awful.
   • Even if others do become angry and unpleasant, I can handle it without falling apart.
   • I don’t have to feel responsible for the person’s anger.  It may be he/she who has a problem.
   • I don’t have to be vulnerable to other people’s moods.
3. Although I prefer others to be straightforward with me, I’m afraid that if I am open with others and say “no” I will hurt them.
   • Other people may or may not feel hurt.
   • If I prefer to be dealt with directly, it is quite likely others will too.
4. If my assertion hurts others, I am responsible for their feelings.
   • Even if others are hurt by my assertive behavior, I can let them know I care for them while also being direct about what I need or want. I am not responsible for anyone’s’ feelings but my own.
5. It is wrong and selfish to turn down legitimate requests.  Others will think I’m terrible and won’t like me.
   • Even legitimate requests can be refused assertively.
   • It is OK to consider my own needs, sometimes before those of others.
   • I can’t please all of the people all of the time.
6. At all costs, I must avoid making statements and asking questions that might make me look ignorant or stupid.
   • It's okay to lack information or make a mistake, I’m human.
7. Assertive women are cold, castrating bitches that others don’t like.
   • Assertive women are not aggressive women – they are simply honest, direct, and open, not passive.
8. Be modest and humble.  Do not act superior to other people.
   • You have as much right as other people to show your abilities and to take pride in yourself.
   • It is healthy to own both your strengths and limitations in life.
   • Everyone’s opinion is just that - an opinion.